SEX AFTER THE MARRIAGE
During most of their marriage, William and Sharon have enjoyed sex together. But lately Sharon has wanted some changes in the bedroom. She’s been reading books about women’s sexual fulfillment, and wants her husband to read them—and try some of the suggestions. But William finds it difficult to read or talk about sex. Like many people his age, he received virtually no sex education as a child, and although he takes pride in the fact that he’s overcome the puritanical aspects of his background, the subject of sex still makes him uncomfortable. He secretly believes that sex shouldn’t be talked about unless there’s a problem, so if Sharon wants to talk, something must be wrong.
To make matters even more disturbing to William, what Sharon wants to talk about is orgasm. William “knows” that, as the man, he is supposed to “give” his wife an orgasm, and he fears that he has failed. And although he would deny it if asked, William has been influenced by what he sees in movies and on television: A “real” man is always ready to perform, eager for sex and able to satisfy any woman.
William believes he should always be ready to perform; his preoccupation with work, his health problems and his fatigue are irrelevant to this demand. These concerns just add to his anxiety and guilt. William is treating his body worse than one of the machines he designs—it’s never supposed to wear down, especially when it comes to sex, In William’s mind, the responsibility for fulfilling his desires, and his wife’s, rests squarely on him.
One Friday night, William comes home exhausted from a grueling day at the office and finds his wife taking a nap before dinner. He lies down beside her and falls asleep. When Sharon awakes, she wants to make love. As they cuddle and kiss, William gets excited, but a troubling conversation he had with his boss keeps popping into his mind. He loses his erection while making love and becomes embarrassed, angry and ashamed. He’s always been able to maintain an erection before. Sharon is clearly frustrated, although she tries to be understanding. She kisses him and murmurs a few words of encouragement. After a few minutes of lying quietly next to him, she asks him to please read the books on sex she has been mentioning for the last several weeks. William wants, more than anything, not to talk about his “failure.” He wants to escape into sleep, and he finally does.
During the next week, William and Sharon do not talk about what happened Friday night. But William thinks about it almost constantly and worries that it will happen again. He’s determined notto repeat his erection “failure.” So he plans a special night for the two of them.
The next Friday, William puts in a hard day at the office. He spends the morning feeling frustrated and angry over some problems at work, and to relieve his tension he smokes almost nonstop. In the afternoon he has a two-hour, unsatisfactory meeting with his boss, which just adds to his tension. Finally it’s time to leave, and William struggles to get home in rush-hour traffic. He barely has time to change his shirt before he and Sharon leave for dinner at theirfavorite restaurant. Atthe restaurant, William, worried about making love later, tries to relax with two martinis. Then, deciding it’s a special night and his diet doesn’t apply, he treats himself to a big steak with all the trimmings. After dinner the couple goes for a stroll. It’s after midnight by the time they get home.
By now, William has been looking forward for several hours to making love with his wife. Sharon undresses slowly, but William doesn’t waste anytime. Although it’s been a long day and he is tired, William has decided this is the night to make love, and he doesn’t want anything—even fatigue—to interfere. He strips and gets into bed. Lying there, he watches his wife get ready for bed, and feels himself becoming aroused. Sharon also has been anticipating the end of the evening. She is warm and willing, eager to have intercourse. William wants to make love, but he’s nervous, tired and afraid he will fail. His mind keeps returning to the last time, when he lost his erection. After several minutes of caressing his wife, he does not have an erection and begins to panic. Sharon is upset too. She asks if he still finds her attractive—what else could be the problem? William is tired, angry and discouraged. He snaps back that Sharon is not the problem, and stomps off to the kitchen, where he tries to console himself by drinking some Scotch.
Unfortunately, this isn’t an unusual example of sexual failure. It describes the experiences of many couples. Some overcome their problems in the early stages; others try to ignore the situation and find that their occasional difficulty turns into a chronic condition. It is important to realize that William set himself up for failure in a number of ways—many of them correctable. Here’s what’s wrong between William and Sharon, and how it could be set right.
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